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Help - I think I’m dying!
“There were many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream – whatever that dream might be.”
- Pearl S Buck.
As with all aspects of life, Humanists approach grief rationally and compassionately. At some point in your life, you will experience grief to a greater or lesser extent. Someone you care about may die, sometimes unexpectedly. You will most likely have your heart broken. And you may experience some sort of physical trauma. These are all things we know that if we experience them, will cause us to grieve.
There is very little written on the subject of Humanist grief, but what I can tell you is that the Humanist inclination is to approach grief with an eye on the future. Our goal is to survive grief and go on to live a happy and productive life despite our grief. I know and have spoken to a lot of Humanists on the subject of grief and have been given advice by them to help with my own grieving process when my daughter died and this really does seem to be the generally Humanist approach.
Along these lines, when we Humanists grieve, we try to focus our attention on the fact that our grief is directly related to our happiness. You can see this reflected in Humanist memorial services, where we focus on the life of the deceased and the joy and happiness that individual brought to our lives as a way to deal with our grief.
A basic rule of thumb is that the amount of grief you experience is inversely proportional to the amount of joy whatever you are grieving gave you. In other words, if something gave you a tremendous amount of joy, loosing it will cause you a tremendous amount of emotional grief. This is why loosing a child is one of the most painful experiences anyone can go through, so painful that many marriages don’t survive the loss of a child.
Don’t Get Me Wrong
“The deep pain that is felt at the death of every friendly soul arises from the feeling that there is in every individual something which is inexpressible, peculiar to him alone, and is, therefore, absolutely and irretrievably lost.”
- Arthur Schopenhauer
Grief is a painful experience, both emotionally and physically, hence the title of this chapter. If you have experienced grief, you will know that you sometimes think you are dying because of it. If the grief is great enough, death might even seem like a relief.
Most people might be surprised though, to realize that grief can also occur for much more benign reasons. The quote at the beginning of this chapter is true. What breaks a heart is taking away its dream. People can often grieve changes in lifestyle, even if they wanted to make the change. Changes in jobs, even if good, mean you are leaving a job you might have liked and that all the possibilities of that old job and friendships are now gone. I have grieved to a greater or lesser extent every time I have moved to a new place.
Obviously, when the grief is minimal, it is fairly easy to get through the experience. However, when the grief is great, there are 3 basic rules to remember to get through the experience without adding additional trauma to an already painful experience.
Let it Flow
“It is some relief to weep; grief is satisfied and carried off by tears.“
- Ovid
The first thing to remember is that grief is an emotion. And, like all emotions it comes and goes and comes again. Hence, the metaphor - waves of emotion. The great thing about emotions, even the painful ones, is that they are temporary. Grief works like any of your other emotions. Once you experience it, your mind will eventually move on to other things and other emotions. So, just allow your mind to grieve and let your emotions flow naturally without intellectual interference.
Don’t be afraid to experience your emotions. Yes, grief can be incredibly painful, but trying to not experience it won’t work. The only thing you will accomplish by trying not to experience the pain of grief is the prolonging of your grief, and that is a stupid thing to do. The main problem with trying to avoid grief is that you are always aware of its presence in your mind, even while you are trying to avoid it and so are experiencing low levels of it continuously instead of the waves, which are actually easier to bear because you get breaks in the emotion.
Her Tears Flowed Like Wine
If you need to cry, it is best to just let the tears flow. Don’t deny yourself this therapeutic urge. If you are grieving something, it is perfectly normal and acceptable to cry. Crying helps purge your body of an overwhelming emotion. You hold tears back at your own risk.
If you need to cry and attempt to stem that tide you will only cause yourself additional grief. Obviously, there are more appropriate times then others to do your crying, but if you feel the need, indulge yourself. You will feel better, even if you are a little embarrassed afterward. Crying will definitely relieve some of your stress.
For major things, like the death of a child, don’t be surprised if you just burst out in tears in the supermarket check out line. You don’t have to be strong or hold it in. If anyone has earned the right to cry, it is you.
However, if you are grieving a change in job, you might want to try and schedule your crying time to when you are alone in your own home when no one is watching. Consider it a guilty pleasure.
The other important thing to know about crying is that it is physically impossible to cry for very long. Like all emotions, it will come and go. You will eventually stop, even if it is just to fall asleep from exhaustion.
My Advice
Cry if you need to. Don’t be embarrassed by it. You have earned the right to cry, but if you are grieving anything less then the death of a loved one, try not to impose your tears on others, unless they offer. Then go ahead and get your tears and snot onto their shoulders.
Let it Go
“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
- Kahlil Gibran
If you have experienced something that has caused you to grieve, then you, above all others have earned a little happiness. Don’t deny yourself little rays of happiness in the otherwise turbulent storm of grief.
It is amazing to me how many people hold onto their grief. They don’t want to let it flow and go, even for just a few moments. It’s as if they think that allowing their emotions to ebb and flow is somehow a betrayal to the depth of feeling they held for what they are grieving. (YAWN!). Don’t fall into this trap. Grief is an emotion and there is no wrong or right way to experience it. If you smile at a joke or at the sight of a flower, or laugh at how wet your pillow is after a crying jag, it doesn’t mean that your emotions weren’t real or strong or that you didn’t care. It only means that you are allowing your emotions to flow normally without intellectual interference. It means you are an emotionally healthy individual.
Being emotionally healthy and allowing your emotions to ebb and flow is a good thing. People who practically force their grief onto themselves aren’t emotionally healthy. Just as trying to keep grief away doesn’t work and is actually counter productive, trying to keep grief front and center doesn’t’ work either. Your brain just won’t let you. If you try, you will end up beating yourself up for failure and that will only make you feel worse, not better. The whole point is to eventually feel better.
Time Heals all Wounds
This normal ebb and low of grief is why the phrase time heals all wounds resonates so well. It isn’t that your grief just magically disappears at some point in time; it is rather that if you allow your emotions to ebb and flow, eventually you will feel less grief and more happiness. If you try to force your emotions to stay at bay or stay in your face, you are not allowing your natural emotional ebb and flow to occur and aren’t, as they say, letting go.
If you are having trouble allowing yourself these small moments of happiness then just consider this, after all you have been through, haven’t you earned a little happiness? Don’t deny yourself these small moments of happiness. They are precious and you shouldn’t waste them by reprimanding yourself for experiencing them.
My Advice
Emotions are temporary things. They ebb and flow, and it is usually best to allow them to ebb and flow rather then trying to force them into a pattern you think is right. Don’t worry about moments of happiness in a sea of grief. If your grief is severe, your grief will return, have no doubt about that. Views these small respites as something to be welcomed and eventually you will experience them more frequently and for longer periods of time.
Other Baggage
“Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one.”
- Benjamin Franklin
Grief and sadness aren’t the only emotions you will feel during a period of grief. There are a lot of ancillary emotions that come with grief, specifically anger and depression. Realize that these are natural emotions to feel and you should allow yourself to experience them. It is important, however, to not get stuck on these emotions. They should ebb and flow as your other emotions do.
The problem is that people often get wrapped up in their grief related emotions. They attach more importance to it then is normally warranted. When grieving, we all have a tendency to try and make our anger and/or depression the primary emotions we feel. This is understandable because as bad as anger and depression are to experience, they are exponentially less painful then grief. The point you need to remember is to not hold onto your grief related anger or depression. Let it go and let it flow as you do your other emotions.
Anger
This is especially important with grief related anger because this sort of anger is often displaced. It is an incredibly bad idea to actually act on displaced anger. Just allow your grief related anger to ebb and flow and see if it sticks around after the lion share of the grief has gone away before taking your grief related anger seriously. The other benefit of allowing your anger to ebb and flow is that once it has ebbed, you will have more perspective on it and may even find amusement in how silly and misplaced that anger was.
For Example:
When grieving the loss of my daughter, I actually had a lot of anger towards, of all people, Quinton Tarantino. It’s kind of a long story going back to when I was in high school. The point is he had nothing to do with the death of my daughter. My anger with him was totally misplaced. It was pretty silly really.
A Word about Faith
Faith can be a very contentious thing during periods of grief. I have no doubt that many people find solace in their faith, but to just as many people faith is a source of anger and conflict during these periods.
For those of you, to whom faith is a source of comfort, please be aware that it isn’t for a large number of people. Don’t assume that what works for you will work for others. And, if you are a person of faith and find yourself becoming angry with god, go back and read my section about displaced anger.
My Advice
It goes without saying that not acting on grief related anger is super-doubly important if you are grieving a broken heart. Don’t act on your anger until you are over your grief. Just don’t. Let it go and congratulate yourself on how mature you are being despite your overwhelming urges to seek revenge. Just keep reminding yourself that you are an ethical, compassionate and responsible person and that you aren’t the sort to do something stupid.
Memories
“That which is dreamed can never be lost, can never be undreamed.”
- Master Li (Neil Gaiman)
It is wrong to think that you will or should get over your grief. It is more accurate to say that you will eventually learn to live with the loss. If you allow yourself to grieve and allow your emotions to ebb and flow, you will eventually integrate that loss into your life and while it is still sad, it isn’t quite as painful and eventually you can go shopping and not burst out crying at the sappy song playing on the radio.
The best way to integrate a loss into your life is to seek out happy memories. Your memories of whatever it is you lost will be what remain in your life, and you need to find a place for them. Try and make the memories you focus on happy ones. That way, when you do find yourself reminiscing, it will bring you a melancholy joy and not as much pain and sadness.
This last bit of advice is only partially applicable to the grief of a broken heart. Obviously, too many happy thoughts about a relationship that ended might encourage you to seek your ex out, and that is a bad idea. You are no longer together for a reason. What is broken up should stay broken up. On the other hand, if 10 years after you had your heart broken, you are still getting angry and sad and upset when you think of your ex, you need to try something else, and I would suggest that something else should be professional counseling.
The Humanist Approach to Grief
“If you're going through hell, keep going.”
- Winston Churchill
While grief is indeed painful, Humanists view it as a normal part of life. It is not something you should run from, but neither should you suffer from it unnecessarily. The goal of the Humanist is to be happy and so, we approach our grief rationally and compassionately. We allow ourselves to grieve and to find happiness in our grief and eventually, to let go of the grief so that we can live fully in our futures.
Grief is painful, but it is an emotion and emotions ebb and flow. Allow yourself to grieve, but don’t hold onto your grief either. Allow yourself to find moments of happiness and eventually, you will feel less pain and more happiness.
After the death of my daughter, I joined some grief support groups specifically for people who had lost children. I wasn’t too surprised to find that most people put too much pressure on themselves during times of grief. Were they grieving too much? Not enough? Don’t worry about those things. Everyone grieves differently. How you grieve is right for you. Do some research, learn what the experts on grief have to say. Most of all be prepared for your emotions to be all over the place and be compassionate with yourself.
The thing that really amazed me though, was how many people refused to be happy or to even seek happiness after the loss of a loved one. It was like they felt that being happy was somehow a betrayal of the person they had lost. That concept is really lost on a Humanist. Perhaps it is our rationality that helps us through. But as far as I am concerned, if there is such a thing as sin, suffering must be a sin. Sometimes you can’t avoid suffering. But it seems to me that if you are planning to continue living it would be better to be happy. Wouldn’t it?
I guess when it comes to grief; this simple inescapable truth is what motivates a Humanist in our times of grief. Since we plan to go on living because we like being alive, we might as well be happy. We have nothing to be ashamed of in taking this approach. It is rational, compassionate and responsible. We don’t hide from the pain of grief and instead choose to view it as a reflection of the joy and love we feel from what we lost.
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